Last Minute Valentine’s Day Ideas For Bad Husbands

Don’t worry, you got this.

You had plenty of time to think of something thoughtful to do for Valentine’s day, but it’s tomorrow, and now you’re stuck.

You dropped the ball on this one, but it’s ok. You got this, big guy.

Start by thinking back to when you first met. Was it romantic?

No? You were both drunk at some party? You threw up on her? Hmm… let’s move on.

Think of a few of her favorite things. What does your wife enjoy doing?

What? Laundry? No. I’m sure that’s not right. Sure, she does it all the time, but that’s probably just because it needs to be done, right?

What else? Complaining about her friends? No I wouldn’t mention that either. Jesus, you’re really in trouble here, buddy.

What about dinner?
Everyone has to eat. Granted, it’s the day before Valentine’s, so the chances of getting a table anywhere nice is slim. But you can still make a great meal at home!

Oh, you can’t cook? Come on! There are videos and recipes and- Oh, she doesn’t let you cook because you burned the kitchen a few dozen times? Ok then. You’re making this difficult.

Stop at the gas station on your way home.
This is where we’re at? Wow.

Ok, but make it look like you didn’t stop at a gas station. Buy a few things so it looks like you put in some effort.

Yes, obviously grab the teddy bear holding the heart, that’s essential.

What else do they have?

A weed grinder? Ugh, yeah throw that in too. Tell her it’s for herbs and spices or something. Say it’s Pampered Chef. That’ll help.

Ok, get at least one more thing. Make it classy.

Oh FFS, is that a pack of Virginia Slims? Does she even smoke?? You’re right, I did say classy.

Wait. Better throw in a few lottery tickets to seal the deal.

Perfect.

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