Ok, so 2016 wasn’t the greatest, but fear not! 2017 is almost here and it’s not like it could be any wor- Ok, here are some very funny tweets in no particular order.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
— Andrew W Chamings (@AndrewChamings) September 7, 2016
ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs
FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works
ME: ow owwww
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 9, 2016
You (hasn't seen Ratatouille): gross get this rat outta here
Me (smart, has seen Ratatouille): now wait just a minute
— rachel (@rougasrougas) June 19, 2016
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) April 5, 2015
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 23, 2016
🎶Welcome to the jungle
We’ve got lots of trees
We’ve got everything you want
If that thing is trees🎶
— Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) September 20, 2016
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) June 3, 2016
Hotel California Reviews
-Don H. 3/14/76: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“Such a lovely place”
-Glenn F. 5/23/76: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“(Such a lovely place)”
— penjamin. 📎 (@upsidedowntrash) November 15, 2016
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
— Web-Based Kel™ (@ohheyohhihello) July 18, 2016
CANADIAN: Let's watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What's that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 23, 2016
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) January 27, 2016
Rear-ended a Trump voter & didn’t give my insurance details. Just said I’d make his car great again & drove off while he stood & applauded.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) November 18, 2016
Boss: Playground ideas?
A hot metal jail made from the head of a hamburger man
Boss: first of all I love it
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 27, 2016
CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 7, 2016
I’ll never salute you, you son of a bitch pic.twitter.com/1ekQEn4mMN
— mo (@chuuew) March 29, 2016
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
— Rib (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— annoyed eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) October 3, 2016
Usain Bolt being named Usain Bolt is like Michael Phelps being named Charley O’Swimsfast
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 15, 2016
internet in 2006: oh look grandma emailed us a casserole recipe how nice
internet in 2016: Here Are 10 Reasons The McRib Sandwich Is Racist
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 12, 2016
Bonus: It wouldn’t be a 2016 best tweet list if we didn’t include this:
@brant they're good dogs Brent
— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) September 12, 2016