[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) April 7, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
— wylde de beest (@flashember) April 16, 2017
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 9, 2017
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I'm cold
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 13, 2017
It is 2703 AD. The world has been ravaged by nuclear warfare. Civilization has fallen. The Kia Rockin' Summer Sales Event is still going on.
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) April 11, 2017
HER: I always had a thing for bad boys.
ME: *Trying to impress her* I am terrible at literally everything.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 19, 2017
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) April 22, 2017
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
— keith (@tchrquotes) April 20, 2017
I don't like boring people. Which is strange, because I do it so often.
— Daniel Edison (@DanielEdison_) April 3, 2017
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 19, 2017
wife: the kitchen's on fire
me: a hello would be nice
wife: THE FUCKIN KITCHEN IS ON FIRE
me: I HEARD YOU BUT A HELLO WOULD STILL BE NICE
— eric (@ericsshadow) April 21, 2017
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 9, 2017
ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2017
we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]
— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017
The best part of self-loathing is that you get to ruin your own day before anyone else can
— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 18, 2017