Sick Back & Enjoy: These Are April’s Finest Tweets

[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) April 7, 2017

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

— wylde de beest (@flashember) April 16, 2017

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 9, 2017

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I'm cold

— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 13, 2017

It is 2703 AD. The world has been ravaged by nuclear warfare. Civilization has fallen. The Kia Rockin' Summer Sales Event is still going on.

— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) April 11, 2017

HER: I always had a thing for bad boys.

ME: *Trying to impress her* I am terrible at literally everything.

— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 19, 2017

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) April 22, 2017

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

— keith (@tchrquotes) April 20, 2017

I don't like boring people. Which is strange, because I do it so often.

— Daniel Edison (@DanielEdison_) April 3, 2017

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 19, 2017

wife: the kitchen's on fire

me: a hello would be nice

wife: THE FUCKIN KITCHEN IS ON FIRE

me: I HEARD YOU BUT A HELLO WOULD STILL BE NICE

— eric (@ericsshadow) April 21, 2017

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 9, 2017

ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2017

we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]

— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017