While there are still several months left until the Presidential election, the 2016 campaign season has already had it’s fair share of casualties.
Remember those once crowded debate stages? Remember all the fun and laughter we shared with Jeb, and Marco and Chris and a bunch of other guys we won’t have to see again for a while if ever? Us too.
We wanted to know what happened to a few of the seemingly endless number of people who tried running for president this year. Did they make secret deals for future favors? Did they lose everything and have to move into a van down by the river?
Our investigative team combed the Internet in search of answers and unrelated gifs. Here’s what we found:
We caught up with the lesser known Bush in a Denny’s Restaurant located near his Florida home.
After leaving the presidential race, Jeb said he jumped in his car and just started driving. Like many politicians, he had no real plan.
“I didn’t care where I was going. I mean, gas is cheap enough that it didn’t even matter. Thanks Obama.”
After several weeks, he figured out that he’d just been driving in circles. “It’s like I kept on moving, but never really got anywhere at all.” laughed Bush, not seeing the immediate connection to his campaign for president.
When asked what he would do now, Bush said he would likely just go back to “being rich and stuff” and “hanging with my bro”.
As for all those Jeb! signs, Bush said he has plans to build an elaborate fort in the not too distant future.
There was a time when Marco Rubio seemed like the standout for republican nominee.
He’s not an old white guy and he could have probably brought out some younger voters that wouldn’t have gone to the GOP in the past.
That aside, he dropped out after losing his home state and failing to win anywhere at all really. Probably for the best.
It’s been reported that Marco disappeared into the woods and likely won’t be coming back out until they make another Hobbit movie and he can play that weird little creepy guy. No, we don’t know his name off hand nerds. Wait. Is it Smeegul? It’s totally Smeegul. We read the books as kids, but haven’t seen the movies. Crazy right? Like they’ve been out for years and all really big at the box office too. Anyway. That one got away from us. Sorry.
Sorry you didn’t win the nomination Marco, but don’t sweat it buddy.
Ok, all kidding aside, we don’t know anything about this guy.
We saw his name on some lists, but when we went to look up stuff we got distracted. Assume he’s doing fine.
Really we’re just thinking about those Hobbit movies still. Are they on Netflix? Like we’re not about to rent them or buy the collectors box set or anything, but if they are just there, we might turn one on.
Hold up. Is it 2012? We thought this guy tried in 2012 and totally failed. Yep. Google says this is true.
Anyway he did succeed at one thing this time around: being the very first to drop out. Perry ended his campaign in September 2015 after apparently running out of money.
Crazy how you need so much money to run for president, huh? Maybe we should talk about that inst.. No? Ok. Guess we’re not talking about that until the next election cycle.
Chris Christie is basically the parrot from Aladdin now. Chubby little Iago sits around while Jaffar barks vile things. Sure, he thinks Jaffar is a dick too, but what’s he going to do? He’s a bird now.