Elf on the Shelf is a popular plush toy that sits on your mantle, “watching” your kids. Children know that they need to be on their best behavior, because the elf reports directly to Santa.
Now you can utilize this powerful Orwellian tool in other aspects of your life! Here are some alternate uses for Elf on the Shelf, along with statements from satisfied customers.
Elf at the Office
“I used to steal paper by the ream, but I just can’t with that little demon watching my every move.”
–Sally, Bad Employee
Elf on the Dash
“I have five DUIs. Five. Before Elf on the Dash, nothing could stop me from getting behind the wheel while drunk. That little bastard changed all that. He is my best friend and I will not disappoint him.”
–Hank, Crazed Alcoholic
Elf on the House
“I live in a very dangerous part of town. I used to pay good money for home security, but not anymore. With that toy elf stapled to my door, I feel safer than I ever have. I took the bars off my windows and stopped locking my door. Nobody’s gonna rob me if it means they won’t be visited by Santa–that just doesn’t make sense!”
–Billbert, Not the Brightest Bulb in the Box
Elf in the Pocket
“I was cheating on my husband with literally everyone in town. One day I was getting it on in a public restroom and that little elf tumbled out of my coat pocket. When I looked into his beady little eyes, I saw something in myself that I didn’t like. Since then I’ve quit cold turkey. Cheating on my husband is one thing, but I just can’t bear the judgment from that adorable little elf.”
–Martha, Terrible Person
Ryan Danger Sims does jokes and stuff. He’s currently working on an original comedy pilot that will change the face of televised entertainment, make ladies swoon, and cause grown men to cry real tears. Or maybe it’ll just be really funny.
Ryan also performs stand up in the Los Angeles area, writes for his blog More Rants than Raves, and is a frequent contributor to prominent online publications (Twitter and Instagram). Ryan is known for his creative comedic style and his ability to write bios about himself in the third person.